Posts from the ‘Random Ramblings’ Category

Finding myself

I was 19 with a baby when I met my now husband.

I was lost.

I was floundering, not really knowing who I was or what direction I should go in next.

My husband found me. He picked me up, dusted me off, and set me on out in a direction.

That was nearly 16yrs ago. Somewhere a long the lines, I lost that person I used to be. Not the lost little girl with no direction, no, the strong, independent woman who had the guts to leave the father of her baby and set out on her own.

My husband, who is a wonderful man, this is not meant to disparage him in anyway, found me at a time in my life when I was at my lowest point. Without him, I don’t know where I would have ended up. However, we are two different people with different views on everything from parenting to politics.  For years, I tried to be what I thought he wanted me to be. What I should be. One day, I woke up and didn’t know who I was.

The girl who longed to be on stage was now afraid to make a phone call if it meant talking to a real life person. The social anxiety was crippling.  I think about all the things I want to do, but then end up making excuses as to why I can’t and talking myself out of it.

I have wanted to take ballroom dance class for as long as I can remember. There are several locations to take classes all around me. I’ve even signed up for a couple, but then chickened out at the last minute. Or used the excuse that since my husband can’t come with me, I shouldn’t go. I’d be alone. I wouldn’t have a partner. I’d be the only who alone and I wouldn’t know what to do. (These are all of the same excuses I used for not doing karate for years too)

A couple weeks ago on Facebook, I noticed that one of the ballroom instructors was doing a performance class for the Halloween party. You could pay by the class instead of committing to a full 6-8 week session. Perfect, I can go to one class and if it’s just awful, never go back. The idea was to learn choreography for Thriller, then perform it at the party.

Last week was my first class. I was a ball of anxiety walking in. It was a small class with just 3 other people, plus the instructor and her husband. I surpried myself by picking up the moves quickly and my confidence started to come back. I can do this!

Last night was the second class, and my old friend anxiety starting creeping back into my head. I almost backed out. I hadn’t lost anything, I hadn’t paid for this class yet, so I didn’t really HAVE to go. I went.

The class was packed. There ended up being 12 people this time, and only 3 of us had bee in last weeks class. Honestly, this is where I shine. If I can share my knowledge with people, I feel more confident. I was able to work with new people and show them the moves.

My nervousness is dissipating and I’m looking forward to the performance next month. I can’t wait to see what we learn next. I’m finding that person again

Standing Firm

I haven’t had any contact with my mom since November when she stood me up, again, to spend time with her married boyfriend. She hurt me, deeply, and I’m still not “over it”.

Yesterday I got a text message on my phone. It was from her, but was blank. I thought it was weird since she simply doesn’t text. I didn’t know what to do. I talked to my friend, Wendy about it and she asked if I thought I should call her. I said I didn’t know, I was still hurt and angry. She suggested sending a text back that simply said “You’re phone just sent me a blank text” and see what happen from there. So I did.

About 15 mins later I got another text. It had a million FWD:FWD:FWD im front of it, then said:

The beauty of a woman is not seen through what she wears. It is seen through how she carries herself and the way she doesn’t allow herself to settle. Don’t ever let anyone take for granted the beauty that is within you. Stand firm and know that your [sic] a wonderful person. Always remember your value and respect your self [sic]. I’m so blessed to have you in my life. Send this to every woman that you want to remin..”

Umm, ok? Honestly, my gut reaction to this was to reply with “Whatever”. that’s how it feels. I mean, really? She doesn’t bother to contact me for 4 months and this is what I get? Some hollow forwarded chain text message telling me to know how valuable I am? I know I deserve to be treated better, which is why this isn’t good enough. Pick up the phone and say “I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty mother all your life. I’ve put a man over you every time it’s ever counted and I’m sorry. You are a great person and deserve better than that. You’re a great mother in spite of the example you had”. THAT would be meaningful and go a long way in repairing our relationship.

I will never get that though. So, I guess I will have to “stand firm” in knowing that I deserve better than she has to offer. Maybe that just makes me a pain in the ass and ungrateful, but that’s how it is.

They are real to me

Ten and a half years ago, I was the mother to two kids, ages 4 and 2 and pregnant with another. I stayed at home and lived a very isolated life. I didn’t go out because it was just too hard to drag 2 kids, plus my pregnant body out anywhere. I was stressed, I was frustrated, and I was alone. That all changed in Oct 1999 when we got our first computer and hooked it up to the internet.

One of the first things I did, other than set up a lame email address, search for internet porn (don’t judge, you’ve done it too), and “google” myself (wait, was google even around in 1999? Maybe I downloaded illegal music from napster?) was stumble across MSN Communities. This is where a whole world was opened up to me. There were groups for everything you could imagine. I soon found a group dedicated to Stay-At-Home-Parents (SAHP)

A lot has happen since that time, although I’m still a member of that original SAHP group, MSN has since shut down their Groups and most have moved servers. I’m not as active in that group, because, as often happens, I found myself growing closer to certain indiviuals and we eventually broke off into our own group. I now manage a group of crazy moms and dads.

The most important thing to come out of this was, I found my best friends. They go by the names of Zatzme, Jeep, Dixon, sMelly, Prickly, Saj, Fabs. I have people listed in my phone as Lovin’ and SupaCat. I talk about these people as if they live next door. They are better than next door. They live in my computer, and in my heart. I’ve known “Zat” and “Jeep” since early 2000 when I was struggling to find  my voice while being the sometimes single mother to three. I’ve spent weeks in Zat’s home and have watched her kids grow up. Jeep lives way too far away and I see her far too infrequently, but at anytime I can send a text, or an IM, and an email, ad she is there. They have seen me through times that my so-called real friends have bailed on me. I got my sweet Havoc puppy from Saj.

When my dad died, after calling my husband to come home, I called Zat. I couldn’t even speak, but she was there for me. She talked to me on the phone during the countless hour long drives to my mom’s to take care of the arrangements. She was there at 3am if I couldn’t sleep. When people in real life didn’t know what to say, she knew that she didn’t need to say anything.

Jeep is the one you want in your corner. She is our voice. She will fight for you as fiercely as she would fight for her own family. She can be snarky and quick with a quip, but she will also cry with you when your world is falling apart.

These women are my sisters

This week, one of our sisters lost her baby girl. We still don’t know what happen. They think it was a cardiac infection. All we know for sure is that our friend, our cyber-sister, is hurting in a way that no one should ever hurt. Our whole group is rallying around her family in a way that you just wouldn’t believe. We raised over $300 for flower arrangements alone. We have that much or more donated for food and one of our members is going to make meals to take to the family. We’ve collected money to get things for sweet 5yr old Emily who is missing her baby sister and just wants mommy to be happy again.

If you look at our group’s message board, you will see posts fro people with nothing more than a heart or flower. You will see people asking what they can do. You will see others saying how great this group of people are and how amazing it is that we can all come together like this to support one of our own.

How nice it would be if these people were just screen names. If we could turn off the computer, walk away, and leave them neatly in that little box. But they are so much more than that. The are Wendy, and Sarah, and Amy, and Jenny. They are my friends. My REAL friends.

It’s Begining to Look A Lot Like Christmas

The Holiday Season has crashed in on us. The tree is decorated, presents are bought, and the countdown has begun.

It’s actually odd being ready this early. We’ve always been last-minute shoppers. My husband gets a bonus at Christmas, but it doesn’t usually come until the 20th or so, so we typically put off shopping until them. This year we decided to try something different. We decided that the kids really didn’t need all the crap they ask for. So we picked one special item on their list and bought that. They will also get the standard clothes, socks and underwear, but other than that…sorry Dear, you’ve been ice skating once, 3yrs ago, and we live in Georgia…you’re not getting ice skates, no matter how many times you put it on your list.

In other news, we pick up our puppy on the 18th. I can’t wait. I thought we’d settled on the name Max, but it seems my husband had other ideas (his number one choice for a name being Uranus Liquor…umm, no). So, now we’re deciding between Echo, Eos, Havoc, Lennon, and Saber. I like Echo, but I feel like every time i call him, I’d have to yell out “ECHO ECHO Echo Echo echo echo”. Eos is cool, but a bit off the unconventional cliff. I think Havoc is perfect, but the kids are trying to veto that one. I like Lennon simply for the John Lennon factor, but it’s a bit of a mouthful. Saber, I like, but I don’t love.

My MIL is coming down for Christmas (well, as of now she is, but she’s been known to change her mind on the fly). If she does come down we will have 5 dogs in the house. Our 2, her 2, and my oldest is dog sitting the neighbors pup.  I’m gonna need more hambones.

As far as my mother goes, well, I havent heard from her since the Thanksgiving incident. I knew opening my mouth and saying something to her would cause her to ice me out, but I couldn’t just take it. But maybe I should have. I dunno. I sent her the Christmas gift I had bought her before she told me she wasn’t coming. I got an impersonal card in the mail, simply signed with her name. Not even a confirmation that she received the gift. I guess I need to let it go. I don’t think we’ll ever have the relationship I want us to have.

I’m working on my Goals for 2010. Not resolutions, but goals I want to accomplish before this time next year.

Until then…Happy Holidays

New Puppy Smell

We’ve tossed around the idea of gettinga second dog for about a year. Recently I decided to “inactively look” for a dog. My theaory being that the right dog woudl fall into my lap.

I had a very vivid dream about a dog. A wheaten terrier named Walter. I started looking and came across a wheaten at the humane society. I filled out the appropriate paperwork and set up to meet him. He wasn’t our dog. He’s hyper and nippy and food aggressive.

In the process of meeting Not Walter, we also met an American Bulldog puppy. My husband fell in love with him. He was a bruiser! At 16 weeks, he already weighed 40lbs. Our adult dog weighs 50. Our concern was that he’d get bigger and stronger and evnetually be too much for our girl.

We also met Phoenix, a sweet faced girl that I fell in love with. When we brought the kids to meet her, she just never warmed up to them.

Itw as about that time that my friend said “You know I have boxer puppies, you shoudl take one of them”. Well, no, I didn’t know she had boxer pups. I happen to love boxers, and our Daisy is a boxer mix. We talked about it for a couple weeks and decided that would be the route we’d go in.

Yesterday I drove to her house and met her 4week old pups and picked out my new guy. I’m still not sold on a name. I was thinking Max, but, while he looks like a Max…Max is such a boring blah blah dog name, so I’m not sure.

For now…meet Puppy

The Deepest Cut

It’s a funny thing, family. They are the ones who know you best. The ones who share a history with you. The ones who knew you before you knew yourself. They are also the ones that can hurt you the deepest.

My mom.

Last week I called and asked her if she wanted to come down and spend Thanksgiving with us. I told her that she didnt have to worry about anything, my husband woudl drive teh 6hrs up there and pick her up and drive the 6hrs back here. Then he’d take her home whenever she was ready. I honestly didn’t expect her to say yes. She hemmed and hawed and made up excuses and I said whatever she wanted to do was fine, just to let me know something.

A couple of days later she called and said she wanted to come. Told me how she mentioned to her boyrfriend that she’d been invited and he threw a tantrum and whined and complained about what HE was going to do while she was gone. She told him the invite was extended to him as well, and he whined, again, about how he doesn’t like Georgia and she should KNOW that.

She said she wasn’t going to let him tell ehr where she could and could not go and she’d never been here and, damnit, she was coming. I told her I’d get back to her with my husband’s schedule and let her know when he was coming up.

I called her and told her to expect him next Weds. Everything was set. Even in that conversation she said her boyfriend was still whining and complaining and that she had told him to grow up and if he left her over this then oh well, it was his loss.

Last night around 10pm she called. As soon as I answered she said “Is me coming down tehre set in stone?” I told her she was a grown woman and could do whatever she wanted, nothing was ever set in stone. She goes on to tell me that ALL OF A SUDDEN, her boyfriend has a blocked artery and is on death’s door and has to have emergency surgery and she just can’t leave him now. Perfect timing, doncha think. Yeah, I know I should like a cold heartless bitch. I don’t care.

She starts telling ne how lonely HE is. How HE doesn’t have anyone. How she has to be there for HIM. How even his WIFE doesn’t care about him. Poor him.  She turned the whole conversation to focus on him and his needs. She didn’t even consider how hurt I was. I could barely speak because I was holding back tears.

Background. She was supposed to come here for Christmas last year. I postponed Christmas dinner to accomodate her coming just after Christmas. Planned a big meal and everything. Kept trying to firm up the details and could never pin her down on anything. Finally she calls the day she is supposed to be here and says “Well, we decided that since we have nothing else going on and no where to be, we’d go to the beach for the weekend just the two of us to get away”. The first cut.

I finally couldn’t hold it back and I said to her “Well, you were supposed to be here last Christmas and never showed up. He didn’t want you coming down now and you’re not, so I’d say he won” She started saying that last Christmas she had stuff going on with her truck and that’s why she didn’t come down. I said “Well, maybe so but that didn’t stop you from calling me when you were supposed to be here and saying that since you had nothing else going one the two of you were heading to the beach”. She started to speak but I hung up. I couldn’t take anymore excuses or justifications for her actions.

She made her choice. She chose him.

I spent an hour on the phone with my husband crying. I cried some more when talking to a friend of mine. I’ve cried today. I’ll probably cry tomorrow.

My heart is broken. I’ll get past it. My heart will mend. I have a husband and children who will mend it. I’m done though. I’m done reaching out to her. It’s killing me because she has cancer and I don’t know how much longer she will be here,  but I can’t keep reaching out only to be hurt again and again. I’m not “nothing”.  Just because I hide them away doesn’t mean I dont have feelings, and I can’t continue to feel like I’m being cast aside for something better.

Not Here

It is better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self – Cyril Connelly