I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Lately I have been paralyzed with fear. Fear of what? I don’t know. I don’t want to do anything but stick to the routine. Head down, don’t make eye contact, in and out. I get up, I get the kids off to school then I come home and wait for them to get home. Then it’s cook, clean, and bed. I don’t talk to anyone, I don’t see anyone, I don’t go anywhere.

I can’t.

I want to do things, but when it comes to actually doing them, I find excuses. It’s late, I’m tired, the kids (fill in the blank), I don’t know anyone there, no one will like me.
See…
This weekend I’ve been given the opportunity to go back to NC to see my mom. I haven’t seen her since we moved. Why would I not want to go.
I don’t want to go
I do want to go, I just don’t…
It’s hard to explain.
I feel like things will fall apart here if I leave.
I feel like I want to spend time with my husband instead of running off for the weekend…except, I also feel like he doesn’t really want to spend time with me so if I stayed I’d end up sulking around all weekend wishing I had left. Who wants to be around someone who’s sulky anyway?

On the other hand…I desperately need a break from this house. This isn’t who I am. This isn’t who I want to be. I just don’t know if I can take that step to change.

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