New Puppy Smell
We’ve tossed around the idea of gettinga second dog for about a year. Recently I decided to “inactively look” for a dog. My theaory being that the right dog woudl fall into my lap.
I had a very vivid dream about a dog. A wheaten terrier named Walter. I started looking and came across a wheaten at the humane society. I filled out the appropriate paperwork and set up to meet him. He wasn’t our dog. He’s hyper and nippy and food aggressive.
In the process of meeting Not Walter, we also met an American Bulldog puppy. My husband fell in love with him. He was a bruiser! At 16 weeks, he already weighed 40lbs. Our adult dog weighs 50. Our concern was that he’d get bigger and stronger and evnetually be too much for our girl.
We also met Phoenix, a sweet faced girl that I fell in love with. When we brought the kids to meet her, she just never warmed up to them.
Itw as about that time that my friend said “You know I have boxer puppies, you shoudl take one of them”. Well, no, I didn’t know she had boxer pups. I happen to love boxers, and our Daisy is a boxer mix. We talked about it for a couple weeks and decided that would be the route we’d go in.
Yesterday I drove to her house and met her 4week old pups and picked out my new guy. I’m still not sold on a name. I was thinking Max, but, while he looks like a Max…Max is such a boring blah blah dog name, so I’m not sure.
For now…meet Puppy
Getting Better
Yesterday was rough. I hadn’t slept and the smallest thing sent me on an emotional head on collision. I was crying at everything.
When I went to bed I was exhausted. The result of that was that I fell asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. A good nights sleep does wonders for mental stability.
I’m still hurt and still pissed off, although probably more pissed off now, but I’m getting better. My heart is mending.
The Deepest Cut
It’s a funny thing, family. They are the ones who know you best. The ones who share a history with you. The ones who knew you before you knew yourself. They are also the ones that can hurt you the deepest.
My mom.
Last week I called and asked her if she wanted to come down and spend Thanksgiving with us. I told her that she didnt have to worry about anything, my husband woudl drive teh 6hrs up there and pick her up and drive the 6hrs back here. Then he’d take her home whenever she was ready. I honestly didn’t expect her to say yes. She hemmed and hawed and made up excuses and I said whatever she wanted to do was fine, just to let me know something.
A couple of days later she called and said she wanted to come. Told me how she mentioned to her boyrfriend that she’d been invited and he threw a tantrum and whined and complained about what HE was going to do while she was gone. She told him the invite was extended to him as well, and he whined, again, about how he doesn’t like Georgia and she should KNOW that.
She said she wasn’t going to let him tell ehr where she could and could not go and she’d never been here and, damnit, she was coming. I told her I’d get back to her with my husband’s schedule and let her know when he was coming up.
I called her and told her to expect him next Weds. Everything was set. Even in that conversation she said her boyfriend was still whining and complaining and that she had told him to grow up and if he left her over this then oh well, it was his loss.
Last night around 10pm she called. As soon as I answered she said “Is me coming down tehre set in stone?” I told her she was a grown woman and could do whatever she wanted, nothing was ever set in stone. She goes on to tell me that ALL OF A SUDDEN, her boyfriend has a blocked artery and is on death’s door and has to have emergency surgery and she just can’t leave him now. Perfect timing, doncha think. Yeah, I know I should like a cold heartless bitch. I don’t care.
She starts telling ne how lonely HE is. How HE doesn’t have anyone. How she has to be there for HIM. How even his WIFE doesn’t care about him. Poor him. She turned the whole conversation to focus on him and his needs. She didn’t even consider how hurt I was. I could barely speak because I was holding back tears.
Background. She was supposed to come here for Christmas last year. I postponed Christmas dinner to accomodate her coming just after Christmas. Planned a big meal and everything. Kept trying to firm up the details and could never pin her down on anything. Finally she calls the day she is supposed to be here and says “Well, we decided that since we have nothing else going on and no where to be, we’d go to the beach for the weekend just the two of us to get away”. The first cut.
I finally couldn’t hold it back and I said to her “Well, you were supposed to be here last Christmas and never showed up. He didn’t want you coming down now and you’re not, so I’d say he won” She started saying that last Christmas she had stuff going on with her truck and that’s why she didn’t come down. I said “Well, maybe so but that didn’t stop you from calling me when you were supposed to be here and saying that since you had nothing else going one the two of you were heading to the beach”. She started to speak but I hung up. I couldn’t take anymore excuses or justifications for her actions.
She made her choice. She chose him.
I spent an hour on the phone with my husband crying. I cried some more when talking to a friend of mine. I’ve cried today. I’ll probably cry tomorrow.
My heart is broken. I’ll get past it. My heart will mend. I have a husband and children who will mend it. I’m done though. I’m done reaching out to her. It’s killing me because she has cancer and I don’t know how much longer she will be here, but I can’t keep reaching out only to be hurt again and again. I’m not “nothing”. Just because I hide them away doesn’t mean I dont have feelings, and I can’t continue to feel like I’m being cast aside for something better.
To NC and back…
I ended up going to NC to see my mom. I got up early Saturday morning and drove 6hrs to her house.
That’s where I met her boyfriend.
I’m still trying to wrap my head around this whole situation. To be blunt…I don’t like him. Don’t be mistaken…it’s not in a “you’re not my father and there by not good enough” way. I don’t care about that. I just want my mom to be happy, and she says she is, so really, who am I to say otherwise. However…I don’t have to like him.
So the story goes that they dated back in high school. He’s been married for 40-plus years. Yes, that’s right…he’s married. Oh, it gets better. He still lives with his wife “because of the economy”. Because of the economy my mom is in an adulterous relationship.
Yeah, I guess I really don’t care about the excuses. I don’t care that he cant afford to move, or whatever. He seems to be able to afford to take my mom out to expensive dinners, give her money, buy her things and take her on trips. I guess finalizing the divorce and moving out just isn’t a priority.
But it gets better…
My mom now dresses like she’s shopping at the Hooker Thrift Store. Cheap and tacky. I woudl have no problem with her dressing sexier, but she’s dressing just down right trashy. All because it’s what HE wants. In fact, on Sunday just her and I went out for breakfast. She wore a pair of jeans and a nice button down dress shirt and sneakers. Later he called and said he was going to stop by and she had to jump up and change clothes because he wouldn’t approve of her outfit. It made her look old. I mean seriously, she’s 62yrs old I think she has earned teh right to dress however SHE wants, especially in her own home.
Then there is his reaction to her cancer treatments. He convinces her not to do chemo if he has weekend plans and wants her to come. She cant be sick you know. He doesnt want to see her without her wig and tells her to cover her head. He wont take her to the hospital for treatments or drive her home when she’s too sick (and not supposed to drive by order of the Dr). So this man who supposedly loves her so much he’s leaving his wife of over 40yrs, can’t be there while she is going through one of the hardest times in her life.
I love my mother. I want her to be happy anmd if this is the kind of life she wants, and she really is happy, I will support her in it. But, I don’t have to like this man.
I really hope she doesn’t get her heart broken. After a lifetime with my dad, she really deserves better than this
Unwell
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Lately I have been paralyzed with fear. Fear of what? I don’t know. I don’t want to do anything but stick to the routine. Head down, don’t make eye contact, in and out. I get up, I get the kids off to school then I come home and wait for them to get home. Then it’s cook, clean, and bed. I don’t talk to anyone, I don’t see anyone, I don’t go anywhere.
I can’t.
I want to do things, but when it comes to actually doing them, I find excuses. It’s late, I’m tired, the kids (fill in the blank), I don’t know anyone there, no one will like me.
See…
This weekend I’ve been given the opportunity to go back to NC to see my mom. I haven’t seen her since we moved. Why would I not want to go.
I don’t want to go
I do want to go, I just don’t…
It’s hard to explain.
I feel like things will fall apart here if I leave.
I feel like I want to spend time with my husband instead of running off for the weekend…except, I also feel like he doesn’t really want to spend time with me so if I stayed I’d end up sulking around all weekend wishing I had left. Who wants to be around someone who’s sulky anyway?
On the other hand…I desperately need a break from this house. This isn’t who I am. This isn’t who I want to be. I just don’t know if I can take that step to change.
Tales from the Carpool Lane
So, school was out a couple weeks ago…however, Conner is starting high school at the School of Science Math and Technology next year and they require all rising freshmen to attend a week long Academic Boot Camp to get a feel for what a typical week is like and see if it’s still something they think they can handle.
The school is in Duluth because it services the whole county. They don’t have bus transportation so they encourage parents to carpool. They even have someone who will set you up with people in your area. So, my group decided to carpool this week so we could work out issues and be ready when school starts in August. If it works out, we shoudl only have to drive one morning and one afternoon every week, which rocks, cause the school is about 20 miles away.
So this morning was my morning to drive in….
We meet at a gas station and Conner and I got there early so I could get gas and some coffee. He got a hot chocolate. My cup holders kinda suck so as I’m driving I keep one hand on top of the cup to keep it from falling over. Conner was doing the same. Everyone was kinda quiet, they are still getting to know each other. I started shooing Conner’s hand away telling him he was “in my space”. After a while, I punched him in the arm. The following conversation ensued
C: Mom!
K: What???
C: You just hit me!
K: No I didn’t
(laughter from the back)
C: Yes, you did. You just punched me in the arm
K: Uhh, No, I didn’t. I’m trying to drive. I have to concentrate on the road
C: Yeah, but you hit me
K: No, I did not
At this point the boys in the back are dying laughing and I am trying to keep a straight face. Also note that I didnt hit Conner that hard and he’s laughing too (don’t want you to think I beat the poor kid, lol)
C: Ok, fine, if YOU didn’t hit me, who did?
From the back: It was Brandon! (Brandon is in the third row seat of my Excursion)
K: See, I told you I didn’t hit you.
That pretty much started the ball rolling. At one point we passed a cop who had pulled someone over and I said “Ok! Everyone…Act normal” and they all froze in funny positions.
Then we passed a VW Bug and I punched Conner again and said “PUNCH BUGGY!” and he punched me back and we got into an argument
“You can’t punch back!”
“You never said no punch back”
“It’s IMPLIED, you can’t change the rules”
“Yes I can, you didn’t say no punch back so I can punch you”
At the next red light I punched him and said “Red light! I make up the rules too”
We start driving again and he punches me and says “White sign!”
It went on like that the whole drive. All these little random things. Like the logo for the school is an infinity sign and the slogan is “Infinite Possibilities” they were saying they didn’t realize what the symbol was so I said “You all fail, you can’t go to this school now”. They were talking about how they don’t have a mascot and I said their mascot was Pi (pie) so they were talking about a guy wearing a pie suit.
This is gonna be a fun group to take to school, lol
And then I built an Ark
No one told me that May was the rainy season in Georgia. And also, it’s been cold. WTF is up with that. It’s MAY in GEORGIA there’s no reason for it to be 46 degrees.
So, all this rain has caused my lawn to go out of control…not that it was in control to begin with. The weeds are awful. Now they are awful AND 3 ft tall. I’ve been battling my lawn since we moved in. My lawn mower is working against me. It seems like every time i get the yard tamed…my mower will break. It seems to take some weird sized belt that is unknown to mankind. I’ve been all over town and no one carries it. Last year I ordered them online and it took 3 weeks to get it here. I found a place that is willing to order them and keep them in stock for me…but it will take a week to get it in.
Meanwhile…the weeds take over. I’m hoping a neighbor will take pity on my and let me borrow a mower.
It’s a holiday weekend and its supposed to rain until….
That’s it, just until…
Love Walked In by Marisa De Los Santos
Book Review
Love Walked In is an amazingly written story. Marisa De Los Santos has a way of painting a picture with her words, but stops before it gets too wordy.
This is the story of Cornelia Brown and Claire Hobbs, told from both points of view.
Cornelia is a thirty one year old woman working in a coffee shop. A hopeless romantic who thinks of life as being plucked out of classic movies. Every person and moment being compared to a classic scene. She meets Martin Grace and the whirlwind romance seems right out of one of Cornelia’s favorite films.
Claire Hobbs is Martin’s 11yr old daughter. When she makes her appearance into Cornelia’s life, both of thier worlds change.
There are so many hard situations in this book and it would be the easy solution to make everything just fall into place. But life rarely falls into place, and the characters in this book have to work for their happiness too.
If not for the story, come for the writing. De Los Santos is a talented and gifted writer and I can’t wait to read more from her.
Desperatly trying to hold shit together
Failing miserably….
It’s our own damn fault. I know this. Knowing that does not help matters. In fact, it makes it worse.
My husband travels.
All! The! Time!
In fact, his current itinerary is…Monday he flew to Boston, on Sunday he flys to Minnesota, he’s there for a week, then flys back to Atlanta from Fri-Monday, then he’s back in Boston and will hopefully be driving home May 22nd. Maybe. Unless something changes before then, and the chances of that happening are highly likely.
Because of his traveling, he has a credit card. Now, we lived many blissful years without a credit card of any kind, and it was good. That credit card has been the bane of my existence for three years now. He gets work expenses reimbursed to him and in a perfect world every charge would be paid off every 2 week.
My world isnt perfect. I have a husband who likes to spend money.
The credit card company had been very nice and let us go over our spending limit as long as we paid it off. Since we routinely make $4-$6,000 payments each month, they liked us. Until they didn’t…
(yes, I know…how can you pay $4000 in a month and STILL be over your spending limit! It’s total insanity, I know)
They suddenly turned the card off. I don’t know why we thought we were special and it wouldn’t happen to us. It’s happening to people all over the country. They said they were enforcing the spending limit and we were over it and until we paid it down, we were SOL.
So, my husband is on the road, in need of cash. The cash now comes from our house account. The money he gets reimbursed…does not go back into the household account, it has to go towards paying down the credit card. The credit card that I fully intend to shred to bits. I’ve always hated credit cards and I think this situation is a perfect example of why.
So, now it looks like I will have to get a job to dig us out of this financial nightmare. That’s great, except…I have three kids that I am pretty much raising on my own. Three kids that have activities they need to get to in the evening. Shit, even if they didn’t have activities, they need at least ONE parent around to guide them. My oldest is 14…prime age where he can go good, or bad. I need to be around to make sure he has the skills to make good decisions. My 12yr old daughter needs someone to reel her in. The youngest is 9, and he just plain needs someone who isn’t his older sibling. Not to mention next fall when school starts back up, my oldest will be going to a special high school (advanced) in another town and needs transportation. He has to be there at 9am and picked up at 4. That cuts into my work availability too.
So, I need a job, desperatly. But, I also need to have the flexibility to only work Mon – Fri from 9:30-3:30. No nights. No weekends.
So far….no luck
I think I may cry.
Trying this again
I pretty much abandoned this blog. I actually tried to delete it, but because I hadn’t updated my email address, it didn’t take. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe I still need an outlet.
Lots of stuff happening. Last post was from after Thanksgiving. Since then…the sun has come out, and that’s all that really matters. My mood is lightening. I’m enjoying the warmth. Even getting sunburned. Life is still stressful, but at least I’m not cold.
So, let’s see.
- Christmas was Christmas. The kids got a Wii and a trampoline and that was pretty much it. They were happy.
- We started Girl Scouts
- We dramatically ended Girl Scouts when no matter how much I tried, I just could not get over the disrespect that was being thrown at me by one of the leaders. True to form, we left in grand style
- My husband took our youngest on his first Cub Scout camping trip. They both loved it and will be going on another one this weekend
- It snowed! In Georgia! On March 1st!
- I turned 34
- Oldest son will be attending the School of Math Science and Technology next year
- Daughter joined the swim team and I volunteered to be stroke judge. I shoudl have gone with concessions like all the normal parents.
- I’m far from normal
- I’m trying to open the pool this weekend (unless it rains all weekend like they say it might)
- My mom has breast cancer
- My Mother In Law might be moving in
- If my MIL moves in, I will have to blog to keep myself from going insane.
I’m thinking of adding book reviews here too becuase I love sharing books with people. I’ve been spending a lot of time at the library and I’m going through books like crazy. I have several that I’d like to talk about.
