Ramblings of a Wayward Goddess

We’ve tossed around the idea of gettinga second dog for about a year. Recently I decided to “inactively look” for a dog. My theaory being that the right dog woudl fall into my lap.

I had a very vivid dream about a dog. A wheaten terrier named Walter. I started looking and came across a wheaten at the humane society. I filled out the appropriate paperwork and set up to meet him. He wasn’t our dog. He’s hyper and nippy and food aggressive.

In the process of meeting Not Walter, we also met an American Bulldog puppy. My husband fell in love with him. He was a bruiser! At 16 weeks, he already weighed 40lbs. Our adult dog weighs 50. Our concern was that he’d get bigger and stronger and evnetually be too much for our girl.

We also met Phoenix, a sweet faced girl that I fell in love with. When we brought the kids to meet her, she just never warmed up to them.

Itw as about that time that my friend said “You know I have boxer puppies, you shoudl take one of them”. Well, no, I didn’t know she had boxer pups. I happen to love boxers, and our Daisy is a boxer mix. We talked about it for a couple weeks and decided that would be the route we’d go in.

Yesterday I drove to her house and met her 4week old pups and picked out my new guy. I’m still not sold on a name. I was thinking Max, but, while he looks like a Max…Max is such a boring blah blah dog name, so I’m not sure.

For now…meet Puppy

It’s a funny thing, family. They are the ones who know you best. The ones who share a history with you. The ones who knew you before you knew yourself. They are also the ones that can hurt you the deepest.

My mom.

Last week I called and asked her if she wanted to come down and spend Thanksgiving with us. I told her that she didnt have to worry about anything, my husband woudl drive teh 6hrs up there and pick her up and drive the 6hrs back here. Then he’d take her home whenever she was ready. I honestly didn’t expect her to say yes. She hemmed and hawed and made up excuses and I said whatever she wanted to do was fine, just to let me know something.

A couple of days later she called and said she wanted to come. Told me how she mentioned to her boyrfriend that she’d been invited and he threw a tantrum and whined and complained about what HE was going to do while she was gone. She told him the invite was extended to him as well, and he whined, again, about how he doesn’t like Georgia and she should KNOW that.

She said she wasn’t going to let him tell ehr where she could and could not go and she’d never been here and, damnit, she was coming. I told her I’d get back to her with my husband’s schedule and let her know when he was coming up.

I called her and told her to expect him next Weds. Everything was set. Even in that conversation she said her boyfriend was still whining and complaining and that she had told him to grow up and if he left her over this then oh well, it was his loss.

Last night around 10pm she called. As soon as I answered she said “Is me coming down tehre set in stone?” I told her she was a grown woman and could do whatever she wanted, nothing was ever set in stone. She goes on to tell me that ALL OF A SUDDEN, her boyfriend has a blocked artery and is on death’s door and has to have emergency surgery and she just can’t leave him now. Perfect timing, doncha think. Yeah, I know I should like a cold heartless bitch. I don’t care.

She starts telling ne how lonely HE is. How HE doesn’t have anyone. How she has to be there for HIM. How even his WIFE doesn’t care about him. Poor him.  She turned the whole conversation to focus on him and his needs. She didn’t even consider how hurt I was. I could barely speak because I was holding back tears.

Background. She was supposed to come here for Christmas last year. I postponed Christmas dinner to accomodate her coming just after Christmas. Planned a big meal and everything. Kept trying to firm up the details and could never pin her down on anything. Finally she calls the day she is supposed to be here and says “Well, we decided that since we have nothing else going on and no where to be, we’d go to the beach for the weekend just the two of us to get away”. The first cut.

I finally couldn’t hold it back and I said to her “Well, you were supposed to be here last Christmas and never showed up. He didn’t want you coming down now and you’re not, so I’d say he won” She started saying that last Christmas she had stuff going on with her truck and that’s why she didn’t come down. I said “Well, maybe so but that didn’t stop you from calling me when you were supposed to be here and saying that since you had nothing else going one the two of you were heading to the beach”. She started to speak but I hung up. I couldn’t take anymore excuses or justifications for her actions.

She made her choice. She chose him.

I spent an hour on the phone with my husband crying. I cried some more when talking to a friend of mine. I’ve cried today. I’ll probably cry tomorrow.

My heart is broken. I’ll get past it. My heart will mend. I have a husband and children who will mend it. I’m done though. I’m done reaching out to her. It’s killing me because she has cancer and I don’t know how much longer she will be here,  but I can’t keep reaching out only to be hurt again and again. I’m not “nothing”.  Just because I hide them away doesn’t mean I dont have feelings, and I can’t continue to feel like I’m being cast aside for something better.