Ramblings of a Wayward Goddess

I ended up going to NC to see my mom. I got up early Saturday morning and drove 6hrs to her house.
That’s where I met her boyfriend.
I’m still trying to wrap my head around this whole situation. To be blunt…I don’t like him. Don’t be mistaken…it’s not in a “you’re not my father and there by not good enough” way. I don’t care about that. I just want my mom to be happy, and she says she is, so really, who am I to say otherwise. However…I don’t have to like him.

So the story goes that they dated back in high school. He’s been married for 40-plus years. Yes, that’s right…he’s married. Oh, it gets better. He still lives with his wife “because of the economy”. Because of the economy my mom is in an adulterous relationship.
Yeah, I guess I really don’t care about the excuses. I don’t care that he cant afford to move, or whatever. He seems to be able to afford to take my mom out to expensive dinners, give her money, buy her things and take her on trips. I guess finalizing the divorce and moving out just isn’t a priority.
But it gets better…
My mom now dresses like she’s shopping at the Hooker Thrift Store. Cheap and tacky. I woudl have no problem with her dressing sexier, but she’s dressing just down right trashy. All because it’s what HE wants. In fact, on Sunday just her and I went out for breakfast. She wore a pair of jeans and a nice button down dress shirt and sneakers. Later he called and said he was going to stop by and she had to jump up and change clothes because he wouldn’t approve of her outfit. It made her look old. I mean seriously, she’s 62yrs old I think she has earned teh right to dress however SHE wants, especially in her own home.
Then there is his reaction to her cancer treatments. He convinces her not to do chemo if he has weekend plans and wants her to come. She cant be sick you know. He doesnt want to see her without her wig and tells her to cover her head. He wont take her to the hospital for treatments or drive her home when she’s too sick (and not supposed to drive by order of the Dr). So this man who supposedly loves her so much he’s leaving his wife of over 40yrs, can’t be there while she is going through one of the hardest times in her life.
I love my mother. I want her to be happy anmd if this is the kind of life she wants, and she really is happy, I will support her in it. But, I don’t have to like this man.
I really hope she doesn’t get her heart broken. After a lifetime with my dad, she really deserves better than this

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Lately I have been paralyzed with fear. Fear of what? I don’t know. I don’t want to do anything but stick to the routine. Head down, don’t make eye contact, in and out. I get up, I get the kids off to school then I come home and wait for them to get home. Then it’s cook, clean, and bed. I don’t talk to anyone, I don’t see anyone, I don’t go anywhere.

I can’t.

I want to do things, but when it comes to actually doing them, I find excuses. It’s late, I’m tired, the kids (fill in the blank), I don’t know anyone there, no one will like me.
See…
This weekend I’ve been given the opportunity to go back to NC to see my mom. I haven’t seen her since we moved. Why would I not want to go.
I don’t want to go
I do want to go, I just don’t…
It’s hard to explain.
I feel like things will fall apart here if I leave.
I feel like I want to spend time with my husband instead of running off for the weekend…except, I also feel like he doesn’t really want to spend time with me so if I stayed I’d end up sulking around all weekend wishing I had left. Who wants to be around someone who’s sulky anyway?

On the other hand…I desperately need a break from this house. This isn’t who I am. This isn’t who I want to be. I just don’t know if I can take that step to change.