Ramblings of a Wayward Goddess

I got pregnant on my 19th birthday. 3 mths before I turned 20, I gave birth to my oldest son. I was alone. My boyfriend of the time, and “father” of my child has skipped out before I reached my second trimester. I’m not sure why I expected more. I had moved back into my parents home, that I had spent years trying to get out of. I felt like a miserable failure.

The year passed and by the time my son reached his 1st birthday I was dating, and soon after, living with my now husband. It wasn’t long before I was pregnant again. Married, two babies just under 2 and I was pretty wrapped up in the whole “mom thing”. By the time I was 24, I’d been married for 3 yrs and given birth to my 3rd child. I’m now closing in (that sounds so ominous doesn’t it?) on 11 yrs of marriage, after 2 years of living together. Nearly 13 yrs of being a family.

Through the years I’ve grown nostalgic for the past. All teh “What ifs”. What would have happen if I had choosen door number 2 and experinced my “youth” like all my friends did. At times I really felt like I was missingout.

I no longer think I missed out on things. Last night I had drinks with an old friend. Ok, full disclosure, and old boyfriend from my high school days. The one that got away if you will, lol. He was telling me about several of our old classmates. So many of them were, and still are, so consumed by drugs and partying – even as we are entering our 30’s. Lives lost in the physical as well as mental sense. Shells of people left in the wake. Door number 2.

I may have been raising a family at 19. Perhaps my husband and I rushed into a relationship, marriage, and even more children hastily. Hell, there have been times when I truly believed we should not be together. Ups and downs, trials and tribulations beyond anything I can even put into words. But, we are still here. We are still strong. We are still fighting for us. And, I can hold my head up with pride and say I never got tangled up with drugs. I smoked pot, once, at age 16 and didn’t even like it.

Even more than that, I gained myself. At age 19 I was a broken person. My self esteem was so low that all I wanted was someone to love me, and when I received that love, I didn’t think I deserved it and I would do something to screw it up. My husband, with all his faults, picked me up, dusted me off, and created the strong woman I am today. Even if it’s something he doesn’t agree with (and there’s alot, lol) he supports me so I can do it. I have so many ideas, but no structure to implement them. He gives me that stricture. I was a raging fire out of control, burning whatever I touched until he came along and grounded me. He gives me focus. He believes that I can do anything even when I don’t believe it myself.

I would not be who I am today, without him. And, I ain’t missing a thing.

Blog? Huh? What’s that?

Yeah, I’ve been scarce. Truth is, I just haven’t felt much like writing. My head is a whirlwind of …stuff…. right now.

My husband has been pretty miserable with his job for a long time. They have dangled a promotion in front of his face for about 6 mths now. His supervisor would whisper of “rumours” that he was being talked about for the promotion. It was everything my husband has worked for 7 yrs for. It woudl be the big pay off for these years of not having my husband. Well, last week he got a phone call from another company. They weren’t offering him the position he could get if he stayed with his current employer, but they were offering more money, better benefits, and the chance at that position within 3 mths (after the customary probationary period).

He put in his 2 week notice.

THe company owner is on his Honeymoon in Tahiti.

The other people in the company started freaking out that they were losing my husband and called the boss. ON HIS HONEYMOON!

The boss offered my husband the promotion he’s been after and gave him all the reasons he should stay.

My husband countered the offer and asked for more money since the promotion would require a move from our sleepy town in NC to Atlanta, Ga, resulting in a change in the cost of living. Considering I really like my life as a SAHM, it is important that we are able to maintain our lifestyle without me getting ajob. PLus, whats the point of a promotion and more money, if I hav eto go to work for us to live? Didn’t make sense to us.

Boss rebutted that, basically, teh offer on the tabel was it. Take it or leave it.

My husband brought up one last point in favor of more money. That being that the company is so small that we have the WORST medical coverage I’ve seen. We pay just under $1,000 a mth in premiums and our co-pay for Drs visits are still $40. Insanity! He asked for just a little more than the salary offer and said that he would accept the offer if it was raised to X-amount and would be willing to sign a contract basically stating he wont seek other employment, or something to that effect.

We haven’t heard back yet. On the one hand, he’s on his Honeymoon, in Tahiti, I wouldn’t respond either. Then there is teh school of thought that if it was a no, that would be simple enough to just say, right? Maybe he’s considering it? If that’s teh case, a move is in our near furture and I have  A LOT to do.

If it’s a no, we have a job change in a week, and I have A LOT to do. Including getting all the kids into the Dr for medication checks, and hopefully a 3 mth refill written to get us through the hump. Urgh!

I’m not sold on the move. I’m not looking forward to a job change either. I would really just like to know SOMETHING and get out of this insane tennis match.