Ramblings of a Wayward Goddess

I have so much dental work that needs to be done. Seriously, if a person didn’t know better they would think I was on meth or had an eating disorder. I don’t. I just have really weak teeth. Before I got pregnant, I had had a total of 2 cavities my entire life. After pregnancy, my teeth, literally, crumbled. I would be eating and they would break. My body just sucked everything I needed for my teeth and gave it to the babies.
I have a fear of dentist. I have panic attacks when I take the kids in for cleanings. Just pulling into the parking lot is awful for me. So, this whole dental issue is just magnified for me. Add to that, my dental insurance doesn’t have an in-network provider in my area. The closet one of 45 mins away. So, when I do go to the dentist, I have to pay more. So far I have had all four wisdom teeth pulled. No, not all at once while I was knocked out like normal people do. No, I had mine pulled one at a time, in office, under regular novocaine (or lidocaine, or whatever it is they use these days). That sound is NOT PLEASANT. I also had three of the molars beside the wisdom teeth pulled, same method. I still have one more that needs to go. I then had a molar root canalled. Just this month I have had two more teeth root canalled. A canine tooth and the tooth right beside it. Because my co-pay is so much higher, we broke it up into two visits. So I would go in one week, and have half the root canal done, then finish it up the next week. Go back the next week and start on the first half of the second, then finish up the next week. You get the picture. So, that’s my Christmas present to me this year. The gift of oral health. One day I will be able to say I have a $20K smile, and if my husband thinks he is getting oral sex after that, he is NUTS.

Shit happens.
People are selfish by nature
They say hurtful things
They try to make themselves feel better by making you feel worse.
They only win, if you feel worse.

When you are in a pinch and ask someone to loan you money, promising to pay them back by a certain day, the proper thing to do when that certain day has come and gone and you havent paid the person back is NOT to comense to telling them all the stuff you ran around doing all weekend.

I’m done. I’m tired of giving and giving and giving and getting shit on in the end. I have to have some good karma stocked up by now. How many times do I have to sit at home doing nothing cause I gave someone else my “fun money”, only to have them screw me. You know my husband works fucking hard for his money, and we are doing well, but we aren’t rolling in the dough. I’m on a BUDGET, so if I give you money so your kid can go to the dentist, that is taking from my budget. Telling me that you will pay me back on saturday, then hopping online on Monday and telling me how you ran all over fucking town all weekend, not cool. I guess you just forgot where my house was?

We have had the same fake tree for 9 yrs. For 9 yrs I have taken hours to make sure this thing is put together perfectly. For 9 yrs after Christmas, I have cursed this trees existence and swore that it was the LAST YEAR. That it was going away and I would have a 7ft pre-lit tree the next year. For 9 yrs, this hasn’t happen.
Right after Thanksgiving the kids started asking about the tree. I told them the first weekend of Dec, we would get it up. So, that was this past weekend. On Saturday, my older two had a birthday party to go to, so the 5 yr old and I had plans to put the tree together and all of us decorate it when the other two got home. So I drag out the box and bring it in the living room. While I was busy with other stuff (ok, I was on the computer putting off getting the tree up, but “busy” sounds better, ok), my 5 yr old started putting the tree together. At first I was calling out instructions “Bigger ones on bottom baby. No, that’s a top piece. No, put the ones that are the same size together”. Then I just decided. Fuck it! He is having fun. Who CARES if it isn’t together right. Christmas isn’t about the perfect tree or symmetrical decorations. It’s about fun and laughter and family. So, I let him put it together however he felt. When the other two came home, the three of them decorated the tree. All. By. Themselves. It aint pretty. But it’s theirs.

I took pictures of my “special” tree, but the card reader on my PC isn’t working. I can load the software and pull out the USB cable for my camera. But, I’m lazy like that. If I get my shit together, I’ll post a pic so you can all share in the joy of our tree.

I have decided today, that since my Potentially Former Friend’s (heretofor reffered to as PFF) daughter “never lies” so anything that she says MUST be the total and complete truth no disussion, period! that my new policy will be “If said incident is not brought to my attention the moment it happen or a reasonable amount of time afterward and instead is told when I am not around the it simply never happen”. If myself or my children are not going to be given the opportunity to defend against accusations thrown at them, I will simply stick my head in the sand and say that it didn’t happen.
I’ve decided that my PFF will simply be an aquaintace from this point on. When we see each other at karate, we can talk, that’s fine,but the closeness that once was is no longer. She burned this bridge. If i do not tolerate this type of treatment from people I am either related to or having sex with, why shoudl I tolerate it from her. That’s right, I shouldn’t.

The relationship between me and my ‘best friend’ is slowly disenegrating before my eyes. The main problem with this is, she is really my ONLY friend. I set it up that way. I have a hard time maintaining friendships. I tend to try to be all things for all people, so I end up spreading myself too thin and getting burnt out on a relationship. Having only one friend was just easier. Until now.
Now I have friends that I know from online. Some I even see on a regular basis. But this person was my only here and now friend. So this hurts. A lot.
It started a few posts back. The one I wrote about her and her fiance. I was there for her. I talked to her. I tried to make her feel better. Then she took him back. Even though I didn’t agree, I still supported her. Then she accused me of being judgmental. She tried to compare her shit to the shit that I went through with my husband a few years back. Saying she just listened and didn’t judge. The thing about that is (other than the obvious that I wasn’t judging her I was CONCERNED for her) for starters I was married to the man, and we had three kids together. Four years ago I sat in a lawyers office and had separation papers drawn up. Before they were signed, we decided to make another go of it. It wasn’t a wiping clean of the slate. It wasn’t some lame excuse for behavior. It was two adults coming together and saying “I made mistakes. I am responsible for hurting you and I don’t want to do that anymore.” It took a lot of work and a lot of tears to work through our problems, but it would have never worked if either of us had tried to excuse our behavior, or if the underlying love wasn’t there. We went through a lot of hell, but we came out stronger on the other side. We owed it to our children to do this.
She isn’t married to this man, she has no children with him, they don’t share a home, or money or anything at all. He has nothing to lose by toying with her. But, if she wants to live like that, it’s her life. I wouldn’t tell her otherwise. And I would never try to compare her relationship to mine or anyone else’s. It hurt very much that she did that.
Today I get another gem. She pops up on my instant messenger sating that my daughter called her daughter a bitch yesterday. Now, my daughter is no angel, far from it. She is moody and disagreeable, and has a tendency to “exaggerate” the truth. However, calling someone a bitch just isn’t in her nature. Sure, she would call a name, but that wouldn’t be one. The way the whole thing supposedly went down was just suspect. So, as we were going to school this morning I asked my son about it. He said the only thing that was said was, when I asked my daughter get sit in the back so my friends daughter could sit in front, she said ‘man, that sucks’ (what was supposedly said was “you suck, bitch” ). Man, that sucks, completely sounds like something my daughter would say. Having what my son told me, I then asked my daughter (who wasn’t in the car when I asked my son). She told the same story. Now, I know my kids can come up with some doozies, but getting together and making up this exact story, is highly unlikely. They can’t agree with each other enough to get the ’story” exactly right between the two of them. I was willing to just let it go as a misunderstanding. I came home and told my friend this story. Her response was “that’s why V didn’t tell you, she knew you wouldn’t believe her. My daughter never lies”. I said I wasn’t accusing her of lying, I was saying it was a misunderstanding. Her response, ” there wasn’t a misunderstanding, that was what was said. I told you, so it’s over now”
Just like that, it’s “over”. My child can be accused of something, and without discussion, it’s just over. And this isn’t the first time either. It is however, the last. My daughter has enough problems without me inviting them in. She is being evaluated for ADD/ADHD and with that comes a lot of social interaction problems. She can find people that treat her like crap and accuse her of stuff without any ‘help’ from me. It makes her an easy target for accusation because people already see my daughter as the “troublemaker”. People already dismiss her, or assume that what ever happen was her fault. She is constantly on the defense. All that being said, I can’t continue to brig someone in that will accuse then not even allow her the benefit of defending herself. Even murders get that luxury.

A says:
we have talked and he explained that when he returned, they told him that he is going to iraq and needs to go like two months ago…Then he got upset, depressed, etc. So, then he thought, he is just wasting my time, etc….

A says:
Also, other things that goes through men’s minds when they go to iraq, like, their female’s will be with other men, etc…I was like, I haven’t seen you all year and I haven’t been with others, so next year won’t make a difference….

A says:
bottom line, we are still together……

A says:
I know, that he went about it the wrong way, however, I don’t go around and judging others about their marriages and/or relationships going bad, I just listen and stand by everyone’s side…I listen to too many people go through stuff better and/or worse than this. But that’s just me…